Here I am, talking about my new project again. When I first decided to start doing it, I already knew that it would be a great challenge and that I would have to deal with a lot of things at the same time. But now, after completing the first chapter and some more drafts on a few of the other ones, I have a more accurate idea of how challenging this will be.
The first chapter talks about my childhood and it made me remember a lot of small things that I thought I had forgotten. That’s not the bad part though, it actually helped me understand some of my past choices and made me think about my evolution as an individual, realizing how I became the person I am today.
But, it also made me realize that there are a lot of people implicated in this book. People who knew me, people who, even if I hide behind a pseudonym, will recognize the story and identify me and the situation I’m talking about. People who might want to remain unidentified.
I knew this would be a reality as soon as I published the book, or whenever someone who knew me dropped by Twitch and by pure chance stumble upon one of my broadcasts, right? Right? No. Actually, I was focused on so many things, but never on the fact that some people who are closer to me in real life, would see or know that I was working on this and it might contain some information that concerns them (even if anonymously). Therefor, it’s harder to exposed myself to these people than to the rest of the world. I can’t really give you a detailed explanation as to why, but it is.
So, I started to think “What am I really afraid of here?”. Was it the fact that some people would not believe some of it? Or the fact that they would, or at least might? Do I fear that they would start treating me differently? Am I afraid of what they might think about me, or is it about the fact that I decided to expose myself and somehow, in some way, expose a part of themselves as well?
It’s everything and it’s nothing. It turns out that it’s just really scary.
But that’s not the only challenge. After 5 minutes LIVE on Stream, I realized how hard writing here can be, knowing people are reading at the same time the ideas are popping out of my mind. It’s a lot of things to worry about at the same time, really.
First I tried to write with the camera. It was hard. I felt the need to talk to the people who were watching, explain what I was doing, and at the same time, keep writing. It was exhausting and the ideas didn’t seem to come so naturally. I tried to write, explain, answer the chat’s multiple questions and comments and, in the end, I had written about 2 or 3 pages, full of tiny mistakes and lacking quite a bit of information. It clearly wasn’t working all that well.
I tried to think about some alternatives and eventually the idea of giving up on this definitely crossed my mind, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have a goal with this book and I really want it to work, so I looked for other streamers that were writing LIVE, in their own broadcasts.
Despite the fact that their work is quite different, since it’s mostly fiction, they didn’t seem to share some of my concerns or feel some of my issues. Since the truth is that they were writing as well, I decided to see how they went about it. I quickly noticed that some, quite a lot of them, didn’t use a camera.
I decided to try it this way, and guess what… it helped! It actually, made me feel safer in my own environment somehow. But, it has some other problems too. When you have a camera and a microphone, you can often keep people entertained, even in the moments you are not doing anything. You can think out loud and sometimes they even interact with you due to those thoughts, or even interact and exchange ideas amongst themselves, but this way, without any visual feedback of what YOU are doing, the human being, there was a lot more dead time or dead air. Nothing was happening, because I was often thinking, not writing…
This was really frustrating and, for a while, I thought that this was a really bad idea and I should give up before it was too late. Next day I thought: too late for what? Get over it!
Then I tried again. This time, I made some preparations before stream. I fed my baby right before starting the stream (so one less thing to worry about), wrote some ideas that I wanted to explore on a piece of paper and decided to hit that start button. The ideas on that paper worked like a guideline and before I had even realized, it had been almost 2 hours of relaxed writing! Actually, for quite some time there, I think I actually forgot I was LIVE.
Though this was easier this time, it still didn’t prove easy. But I’m pretty sure, that in the end it will be worth it. Next chapter: adolescence.